It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon in Denver when I sat down with Keith Swain. He walked into the coffee shop with his partner Dennis and instantly you could see the care and love they had for each other. Calm and confident and joyful, the two of them seem like a natural pair. Together for 23 years, the two are an example of what Keith writes about in his book Dynamic Duos: The Alpha/Beta Key to Unlocking Success in Gay Relationships. They have a 14-year old son and a golden retriever and live in Denver.
Dennis patiently waits for us as I sit down with Keith and I am struck through the interview by how much Keith genuinely cares about the well being of others. His kindness is matched with a curiosity that has brought him to this very point. With the rise in states now allowing same sex marriage, it seems only appropriate to talk to Keith about successful relationships and how he came to write this book.
MM: From your book and practice you focus on healthy relationships. What led to your interest in the particulars of gay relationships and the eventual writing of Dynamic Duos?
KS: When I went to graduate school, I went to California Coast University for my PsyD. When I got there, I was intrigued by the question of how people determine who is attractive to them. For instance, why do some people find blondes attractive and others find people with dark hair attractive. From there, I became interested in evolutionary psychology, which is the understanding that we carry a history not only of genetics and physiology but of our reactions and behaviors left from our evolutionary history. I remember sitting in on a lecture about how women choose men based on certain characteristics related to their ability to protect her and at a basic level, carry on the genes. This raised the question that if it is assumed that sexual behavior is based on mating, and so for gay men who are non-reproductive in sexual activity, why would we pick guys to mate with?
MM: How did you pursue answering this question?
KS: I did a survey reaching out through Connexion and other sources to men of all types and supplemented with personal interviews. We wanted to get as many people as we could that weren’t necessarily identified as gay. So I called it the Male Relationship Survey. Altogether, we had around 2000 respondents. About 500 were coupled and their responses were linked. We asked questions about mating strategies, and found that gay men fall into two separate categories, but not cleanly. We’re dealing with a mosaic pattern. Out of 100 question diagnostic, let’s say you have 59 characteristics on the masculine side and 41 on the feminine. We have to look at the overall picture; you’re probably more what I call Alpha than Beta.
MM: What do you mean when you say Alpha and Beta?
KS: I didn’t want to use the terms masculine and feminine because it’s not truly traditional masculinity or femininity. For example, people think that the more feminine your behavior, the more Beta you are, and the more likely you’ll be a drag queen. But that’s not the case at all. Those sorts of things are completely different phenomena. What we’re solely looking at here are mating characteristics; the strategies you employ to attract a mate.
MM: I would love to explore this more for our readers, but we’re running out of time, and I don’t want to give away everything in your book, which is worth reading. Before we finish, what advice do you have for our readers looking to find and keep Mr. Right?
KS: Here’s the deal, I think too many guys say “that guy’s hot,” which really means “I’d do him.” You’ve got to get to the point where you don’t say that so much as say “that guy intrigues me” as a bigger more broad concept. We’re trying to meet people that intrigue us, that add something to our lives, that are potential friends, and that could be a potential life partner. Generally, people spark when there’s an interest between them. I don’t think it’s very common for a person who is heterosexual to spark with someone who is homosexual. And the worst that can happen is that you strike up a conversation, and you find yourself a new friend. The key is to keep your eyes open and allow every situation to have potential; don’t force anything and don’t panic if it’s not coming because it is. M